The Core of the Matter
by Francis Kerst
Summary: A stand-alone scene of sex and love between Bodie and Cowley, with a little bit of soul-searching by the Old Man.


**The Core of the Matter**

**by Francis Kerst**

In a rare move of abandon, Cowley rested his head on Bodie's shoulder. He looked exhausted. Age and pain showed cruelly on the craggy features.

Fine, thought Bodie, I can see what he'll be like when he's a hundred years old. He shifted his position on the couch slightly, so to have an easier reach of his companion's face, and gently ran his hand across the old man's lined brow and wrinkled cheeks, as if to smooth out the softened flesh.

The tenderness of the gesture made Cowley shiver. "Ach, Bodie..." He sighed and couldn't go on. The young man kept on stroking his face wordlessly.

"Bodie, don't!" protested Cowley with more vigour.

"Don't what?" asked Bodie, still massaging Cowley's temples.

"Don't do that."

"Why? Don't you like it?" And not waiting for an answer: "Or maybe you like it too much?" He grinned smugly. "I love it when I can make you lose control, all giddy and wobbly."

Cowley recovered his composure and withdrew. "Don't play games with me."

"I don't!"

"Not consciously, maybe. But you are playing with my failings and I can't let that happen."

"Don't take it that way!" Bodie was getting worried. "I was just trying to make you smile..."

"This is not a matter of fun," scolded Cowley, "we are on dangerous ground, and** you** mean danger to **me**, Bodie."

Bodie was praying now. "Please, don't say that! I wouldn't ever do anything that could harm you in the least, either you or CI5, you know that."

Cowley sighed again, deeply.

"I know, Bodie, you won't do it, not willingly, not knowingly, but yet, you are the greatest temptation I ever met." He sat on the couch. Bodie made a move to get closer but Cowley forbade it with a barring hand. "The simple fact of our being intimate, of meeting regularly, is in itself too big a risk."

"I don't take risks," claimed Bodie, indignantly, "What do you think? Really! If anybody should know that, it's you!; I've to be cautious every day in my job, and even so more with your life and CI5's interests at stake."

Cowley let out a thin smile. "Be as cautious as you want; someday you'll make a mistake; **I**'ll make a mistake. Actually I already did."

He turned his eyes from Bodie's imploring gaze. "Anyway, I didn't mean external dangers only." He paused. "You are a disturbance, Bodie, a constant cause of trouble for me; a constant threat to my peace of mind, and that's the last thing I can allow in my position."

Bodie bit his lip. He didn't want to say another word, lest it called for some definitive answer from the other man that would make things irremediable, but he couldn't help blurting out miserably: "I don't want to lose you."

Cowley's voice was very even. "I don't want to lose you either, Bodie, but so what? Nothing lasts for ever, not the secrets, not the feelings. You can't bury your whole life with an old man. Someday you'll leave me. That, at least, is certain. Could be smoothly, for a better future; could be, more probably, in dire circumstances. So why not now, when it can be done easily and painlessly?"

Bodie felt a surge of panic. "No, I won't leave you, not today, not tomorrow, not ever! Why do you assume...? That's unfair! You are not old! I mean, I don't mind if you are old...Oh, shit!" He was on the verge of tears and too upset to bother.

Cowley pretended not to notice. He was shaken himself and this was something he hadn't been for a long time, a very long time indeed. The situation was getting complicated. He remembered Bodie's words: "a little innocuous body relief, nothing serious, that's something we both need from time to time..." He had been foolish enough to believe their relationship would stay on that level. Seems Bodie has not been sincere then; but he was now, terribly sincere, and that changed everything.

However he was not up to taking drastic decisions in the mental and physical condition he was in at the moment. His leg was sheer torture and the current threat weighing on CI5's mere existence should have absolute priority in his preoccupations. Assuredly he could do with a little bodily relief.

He resumed his first position on the couch, not as close to Bodie as previously but not far either. For once, he felt weak and irresolute. He had not to feign weariness to escape a difficult explanation. "I was only speaking hypothetically; I am not pushing you away, Bodie, if you want to stay; though I certainly can't understand why."

That was enough for Bodie to brighten up. He grinned. The ingenuity of this grin cut through the old man's defenses like a thorn under a fingernail. He let it go.

Hours later he was lying by his lover's side, his left arm across the other man's chest. He could feel the fast beat of the heart in synch with the fast breathing. As usual when his leg was aching too much, he had left Bodie to take charge and permitted himself to "simply enjoy the ride" as the young man would say in his colourful language. Well, enjoyed it he had; utterly and selfishly. Curiously he was less tired than he had been before, and the pain was gone.

_Selfish_, he thought with a pang of shame, when the repletion of his senses had brought to him a revival of lucidity, _and not just for this time_; _it was purely selfish of me to accept Bodie's proposal to begin with. I am using him to assuage my unhealthy passions. How can he not be aware of this_? He looked down at the beautiful face turned towards him, eyes closed and mouth half open. The boyish features showed only peace and contentment.

This was an answer in a way, but not one he could welcome with a pure conscience.


End file.
